The Little Menace
by ithinkineedanewname
Summary: Not your typical story. A toddler from Earth falls into Middle-Earth, causing panic and a lot of annoyance to all. To learn more about this... little menace please read my story. Review plz.
1. Unexpected Intruder

Disclaimer: I do not own anything created by J.R.R. Tolkien. Although I do own the toddler (name to be revealed later.)  
  
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I don't know how, but it just happened. Yes, that's right, an intruder has been caught in Bag-End. Not just anyone, no, but a little human boy, at least three or four years old. Either way, he never ceases to scream, cry, and slobber. He's in the cupboard now, screaming and thumping against the little wooden door as I am writing in my journal about this strange encounter.  
  
I was making second breakfast for myself and dear Bilbo (whose One hundred and eleventh birthday feast is tonight) and then I hear some thumping about behind me.  
  
"Uncle Bilbo? Is that you?" I asked turning around and seeing a big green eyed, brown haired child wearing a silvery bracelet staring up at me. He is wearing a red shirt labeled Hot Wheels, black trousers which are cut a bit short, and the strangest shoes that say, Bob the Builder on them. I also notice that there is drool dripping from his mouth to my beloved Bilbo's book that was half way chewed up.  
  
"Were aer de markars?" the little boy asked, and yes still drooling on the book.  
  
I stood dumbfounded for a few moments. Markers? What on Middle-Earth... After that brief moment I quickly snatched the book away from the youngster and tried to dry it as best as I could.  
  
"Dat wus mime! MIME! MIME!" The boy screamed as he started stomping insanely.  
  
There I was, shocked, so shocked that I dropped Bilbo's book into the sink. Fortunately the sink wasn't full. The toddler continued to scream "MIME!" and actually starting taking a liking at kicking my thigh (He is quite tall compared to a hobbit at his age, so obviously, he kept on missing my shin and kicking my thigh instead).  
  
"Please! Calm down, I am frightfully sorry but this book belongs to my dear Uncle Bilbo and not you."  
  
The young lad was quiet at once and stuck out his lower lip and tears started to develop in his eyes. His breathing was becoming a bit raspy.  
  
"Oh, dear..."  
  
The child suddenly fell to the ground, back arched, face red, and eye's streaming with tears. I tried to hand him a copy of Sam's book, which was titled, 101 uses of a Frying Pan, but he ended up taking the book and throwing it at my head, which unfortunately developed a lump that I still have now.  
  
"Bert id wus mime! Mime boek!!! MIME!!!" At this point I was a bit ticked off  
  
"It is not yours! It's Bilbo's you silly little boy! Now go away!"  
  
The little youngster stopped, breathed, then started crying hysterically, again. Oh no...  
  
This time I attempted to pick up the boy and throw him out. But he ended up kicking me very hard at the twig and berries, and yes I am still in great pain. After regaining consciousness I see him scribbling in my uncle's book with a carrot. I walked up to him, ready to beat the living daylights out of him.  
  
"An dis iz de pert were Tee-Rex aets de blubberflie!" The child laughed threateningly, causing my poor hobbit ears additional pain.  
  
I finally stated that I have had enough of this and grabbed the boy, ignoring his screams and stabs (from the carrot) and chucking him into the cupboard full of Uncle Bilbo's fine porcelain dishes. Now I come to this point. Yes, it's quite horrible and I hope his parents come over and get him, although I have never seen many humans come around the Shire. I think I will just ask Gandalf to help me.  
  
I have a feeling this boy is going to get me into a massive amount of trouble... I will write more about this menace later for I have to get ready for Bilbo's party.  
  
Sincerely, Frodo Baggins  
  
Note to self: May this child be a spy for Sauron?  
  
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A/N: This story just popped into my head and I just HAD to write it. Next chapter should be up soon enough although I do I have to write for my other story as well.  
  
So, do you like it? Hate it? Love it? Despise it? Tell me by reviewing. I highly suggest that you do not flame me but preferably give me some constructive criticism. Review! Pretty please, with sprinkles on top??? 


	2. Party of Disasters

A/N- Replies to your reviews are at the bottom of the story. This story is basically about this kid who is ruining Middle-Earth from entries from Frodo's diary. That may change though. Just matters on how I feel really. I felt inspired to I have write down this chapter or else I'll go crazy, though that my not change so much... oh well!  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything created by J.R.R. Tolkien. Although I do own the toddler (name to be revealed later.)  
  
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Here I am again and I never knew things could have gotten much worse than how it was. Timmy, yes that is his name (I figured that out after the party, when I was interrogating him) ruined everything which I thought was impossible to ruin. Not only that, but Bilbo and Gandalf have left as well! I am having a nervous breakdown or I am going to have one soon, I can't decide which one to choose. Timmy is in the cupboard again, I gagged him so I can have some peace and quiet while I am writing and when I go to sleep. This is what happened after my last entry.  
  
I was ready, I had my party clothes on and I had some extra food because the whole Shire was coming to the feast, so there was practically no limit to the food, or there shouldn't have been one. I decided to bring the little tyke with me for Gandalf to examine. He was red-faced, kicking, and screaming when I took him out of the cupboard. I stuffed him into my knapsack, along with a few carrots to keep him quiet, and walked over to the feast.  
  
The feast looked amazing, I mean it was typical for Bilbo, but yes it was still amazing. The music almost made everyone want to do a little jig here and there, there were so many candles that they could light up the whole Shire, and the food table was enormous and somehow every single space on the table to put my food was taken so I had to order someone to bring another table. After that was finished I felt something kicking in my back.  
  
I was confused for a second, suddenly I remembered the child that I wanted to show to Gandalf. I searched high and low, far and wide, but still no sign of him. The thumping on my back was beginning to become unbearable. Just when I was ready to throw the bag into the nearest fire I could find I felt a tap on my shoulder.  
  
"Hello Mister Frodo!" my gardener, Sam piped up  
  
"Hi Sam. Do you know where Gandalf is?" I said in a perfect monotone  
  
"No, but Frodo you have to dance! It's your birthday and all excuses will be ignored!" Sam hollered confidently, obviously the results from drinking too much ale was showing  
  
"No Sam, I.."  
  
"I can't hear you!" Sam said in a sing along voice  
  
"I need to talk to Gand.."  
  
"Did you say something?" Sam said, waving his hands around, uncontrollably  
  
"Sam, I'm serious, this bag..."  
  
"La la la la la!" Sam sung gleefully  
  
I clenched my teeth in frustration, I had felt a headache coming on. Just when I was ready to punch Sam in the nose, he pushed me into the crowd full of drunk dancing hobbits. In other words, one hell of a party, oh dear God...  
  
After an hour's worth of pushing, tugging, grabbing, slapping, kicking, etc... my way out of the tipsy halfling bunch, my search for Gandalf continued. I prowled around the festivity searching for the gray wizard. Finally, my search was over. I found Gandalf showing some fireworks to a group of young hobbits. I limped my way over to where Gandalf was, to tell him my unfortunate discovery.  
  
"Gandalf! There is no time to explain just open this!!!" I squealed as I threw the bag at Gandalf.  
  
Gandalf opened the bag and said, "A dirty pair of breeches? Frodo, I told you to go easy on the hobbit weed..."  
  
"WHAT!!!??" I screamed hysterically  
  
The toddler escaped! What was I going to do!?  
  
Gandalf frowned and said "I told you to go easy on..."  
  
"NO! AARRRGGG!!"  
  
I spun around in search of the kid, maybe he got loose when I was escaping from the intoxicated dancers. I pivoted around and saw Gandalf bending down to the ground to prepare some more fireworks, but I also saw 'him.' Just as I was going to shout a warning to Gandalf it was too late. The little pain in the neck, some how lit up a firework and stuffed it into a hole in the back of Gandalf's robes. The sight was too horrible for a witness like me to even write it down in my journal. Gandalf was pretty peeved about it. I have never seen him so angry before, and I hope I never live to see it again.  
  
"He goe bie bie!!" as Timmy liked to call it  
  
After the explosion, the child laughed viciously with an evil gleam in his eyes. I was almost certain at that point he was a spy for the dark lord. As if right on cue for a performance, there was another firework display, but of a dragon, the dragon attempted to attack everyone. This was done by Merry and Pippin but ever since they heard how upset Gandalf was they sprinted away, back to their homes in Brandybuck Hall (Is that right??).  
  
After a long and fearful explanation to Gandalf about the child, he told me to keep him in my house and alive. I shook my head in frustration I mean come on! The kid tried to blow you up!! I tried to convince Gandalf or to think of another solution.  
  
"Frodo, I find it quite strange for a child to think up of a plot like that. That is why you must keep him for further investigation."  
  
"No Gandalf! This is insane! This kid is insane! That is out of the question, absolutely..." I never finished what I said because some chap (bastard...) decided that this was the time for a speech from Bilbo.  
  
Everyone knew how Bilbo's speeches were, they were long and boring and went on and on. After Bilbo greeted everyone he finally said these last few words that I will never forget,  
  
"I'm leaving now. Goodbye." Bilbo said, I had a strange feeling that 'Goodbye' was directed to me.  
  
Then it happened again, yes, little Timmy pushed Bilbo off his wooden podium and you know what happened to Bilbo? He disappeared into thin air! At that point I fainted from utter shock and I had enough anger to set off a war.  
  
When I woke up I found Gandalf and the menace staring down at me, I realized I was in Bag End, in my bed.  
  
"AAAAHHHHH!!!!" I screamed from, well, utter shock... dear me, this is very shocking indeed.  
  
"Shhhh! Its ok Frodo, you were just a little shocked." No like I didn't know that. "You just need to rest and catch up on your sleep."  
  
"Shleepy Hed!!" Timmy hollered... you have no idea how much I wanted to wipe that stupid grin off his face.  
  
"You killed Bilbo! I am going to kill y..."  
  
"He didn't Frodo! Bilbo went off to stay with the elves. He used a ring to become invisible."  
  
"Oh, but that little.."  
  
"Yes, he did push Bilbo, but your uncle thought it was hilarious."  
  
"What is wrong with you people? That kid is evil!!! Don't you see that? I bet he is casting a spell on all of you!!" I shouted  
  
"Well, um... no. I think he is a very well behaved boy. Judging from his age..."  
  
"Oh, just shut up!" I moaned, feeling another migraine pounding in my head  
  
After another brief discussion, I was forced to keep the little brat. He also told me to keep this ring secret and to keep it safe. I am really beginning to think that Gandalf is off his rocker. After that was settled Gandalf decided to leave, to search for some answers to some questions.  
  
I was absolutely furious and that happened only 15 minutes ago. After Gandalf literally ran off, I asked Timmy a few questions, yes I interrogated him. After a few minutes of mindless babble, he finally said that he was three and a half years old and his name was Timmy. He also sang me a song that mentioned paws, a dog named Blue, and something about clues. After I gave him a small supper (Gandalf would kill me if I didn't) I gagged him and threw him into the china cupboard again.  
  
I am quite exhausted from today's events. I am going to sleep now.  
  
Sincerely, Frodo  
  
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A/N: Here it is! It may not be as funny because I am literally half-asleep. My next chapter should come when I feel inspired, so... I don't know when that will happen. Here are my replies:  
  
..... : Thank you for thinking that my story was funny! I hope you like this one too.  
  
Dragon: Thank you for liking my story. Yeah that twig and berries thing made me crack up too!  
  
*no name*: Thanks for liking my story. Here is more of it too!  
  
U2LoVeR: Thank you for loving my story... yes I do think of some.. well er... different, no original ideas, do I?  
  
bored2death: You say I'm talented??? *grins like an idiot* I am not good at everything! Anyways thanks for loving my story!  
  
cakie: Bestest? Is that even a word? Anyways, thank you soooo much for saying I'm talented *hands some chocolate to cakie* and thank you for reviewing as well!  
  
Keep the reviews coming, and I will review your story! I promise!  
  
So do you like it, hate it, love it, despise it? Tell me by reviewing! Just try to stick with constructive criticism because when you flame ME I never feel like writing and it will not be fair to other readers. Review please! 


	3. The Fate of The Ring

A/N: This chapter is based on a true story about me babysitting my nephew and niece at the same time. This story has no exaggeration from the real story with my nephew and niece.  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything created by J.R.R. Tolkien. Although I do own Timmy  
  
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Today was horrible. I cried at least two times ever since supper. Timmy has been upgraded from the china cupboard to the guest room, of course I was forced by Merry and Pippin. Although I did do some modifications to it, I just put three new shining locks on the door and changed the yellow curtains on the windows to black ones. I've tied him down on the bed because I have no idea what that little beast is capable of since, I think, I have already had a small sample of his wrath. I also put several mouse snares (A/N: Hobbit sized mouse traps) on the floor so he cannot escape. Just want to be on the safe side.  
  
When I woke up this morning from the constant pounding in the back of my head, I suspected it was a hangover. That was until I realized that there was a human child with strange garments in my formerly uncle's hobbit hole, that he was a beast, and that he was found cute and innocent to everyone else, but I know the truth. I groaned and casually fell off the bed, if that is even possible, and walked into the living room.  
  
My eyes settled down on the small china cupboard that kept on shuddering and had murmurs from inside that sounded like, "Elp me!" I rubbed my head in annoyance and waltzed off into the kitchen even though hobbits can't waltz that well due to our big feet. I fixed myself a small but hearty breakfast that had toast, eggs, bacon, carrots, sausages, porridge and potatoes. At least that is what I remember. I made another breakfast for Bilbo, but then I realized that he left last night to live with the elves, after the breakfast was all set out.  
  
"Buggar" was what I said if I remember correctly  
  
Then the thumping noise came to my attention, again.  
  
"Oh alright! Keep your trousers on! I'm coming!" I walked over to the cupboard and opened it and found a fragile and frightened boy, gagged and cramped in the china (actually broken china) cupboard. I pulled him out and took off his gag. He immediately started bawling his little and bothersome head off, yet again. I immediately grabbed his hand and dragged him off into the kitchen with me. I set him on a chair and handed him a carrot, hoping that he would come to silence. He took the carrot without question and examined it carefully, or at least I thought so. A frown took over his face and he threw the carrot right square in the middle of my forehead. I, or course, trembled with anger. He started to sob again, figures...  
  
I then handed him a small bowl of porridge hoping that he would eat it, then the door was knocked on. I glanced at Timmy one more time, discovering that he was poking his chubby finger into the bowl of porridge. I quickly scampered off to the door and opened it up to find my two best friends, Merry and Pippin.  
  
"Hello Frodo, we just wanted to tell you that we feel really sorry about your loss.." Merry started  
  
"Yes Bilbo was like a father to all of us you know. After his disappearance..." Pippin piped up  
  
"Merry, Pippin, Bilbo went off to stay with the elves, he's alright."  
  
"Oh, then we should go then, right Pip?"  
  
"Oh dear! I have been so rude please come in."  
  
Merry and Pippin stampeded in (being so young of course) and skipped towards the kitchen and then froze in horror. I was a little bewildered of the whole affair of being ran over so I slowly limped next to the two terrified hobbits. I looked into the kitchen and replicated the same expression that Merry and Pippin had on their faces as well.  
  
Timmy was there on the table with a spoon in one hand a potato in the other. The kitchen was suddenly decorated with globs of porridge, sausages, and carrots stuck onto the walls and they were also crunched up onto the ground. Broken dishes and ceramic cups were scattered onto every single spot of the kitchen, the ceiling and the floor both. The only audible noise was the 'plop plop' of the porridge, slowly dripping off little Timmy's wooden spoon. I was more than ready to kill him.  
  
Before I was ready to pounce on Timmy, Pippin said something.  
  
"Aw! Frodo, where'd you get him? He's a human right? He is so adorable! Hello my name is Pippin what's yours?"  
  
I could feel the blood straining from my face.  
  
"Hallo Peepin. Ma neme iz Timmy."  
  
Timmy let his spoon and potato clatter to the food infested ground.  
  
"Oh, and my name is Merry. Nice to meet you."  
  
"Hallo Marree."  
  
Yes, all the blood in face was definitely gone.  
  
"Frodo you look so pale. Do you need something to drink?" Merry asked  
  
At this point Timmy threw a cup of water (which amazingly wasn't shattered) at my face. He did his trademark evil cackle of triumph. I pounded my fist in my open hand, that was final straw! Unfortunately Pippin knew what I was going to do so he tackled me to the ground while shouting instructions to Merry to hide Timmy. Some friends I've got...  
  
"What do you think you are doing Frodo?" Pippin asked pulling me up  
  
"Where is he!? I swear I am going to make him wish he that never came to Bag End!"  
  
"Now now Frodo, just relax and sit down while I make a cup of tea for you." Merry said assuredly as he walked in and left to the kitchen again. Pippin gently pushed me towards a chair in the living room. Once I sat down Merry came in and handed me a cup and told me to close my eyes so I wouldn't know where Timmy was so I would kill him. I reluctantly did this and heard Pippin shut the door. I opened my eyes to see my two hobbit friends and that little... freakish child!  
  
"Frado so seelly!" I gave him a withering glare for that.  
  
"Frodo, Pip and I are wondering how you got Timmy here, I mean who wouldn't"  
  
For the next twenty four minutes I told them about how Timmy came along and about the night before. After I finished my story Merry and Pippin glanced at me, then gave each other a wink, and said at the same time, "Can we take care of him!?"  
  
I think I nearly jumped five feet high (which is quite tall for a hobbit) into the air with joy and at once gave them their 'jobs' without question.  
  
"Great" said Pippin, looking around, "But uh, where is he?"  
  
I think I nearly peed in my pants from fright after that comment. I rushed about in the hobbit hole. Looking in every nook and cranny for any possible sign of him. That was until I heard the shrill cry of Merry,  
  
"I'VE FOUND HIM!!!!"  
  
I ran as fast as my stiff little hobbit legs could carry me. I ended up coming into the kitchen again. I saw Timmy in the middle of the wooden floor, he scratched at his silver bracelet while he looked down at his toes. Then I looked beside him and I saw a ripped up envelope. I picked up the remaining bits that were inside the envelope and suddenly realized that this was the envelope that contained the papers that said I owned Bag End. I panicked but then found the paper unharmed (maybe a few porridge specks) near he ripped up envelope.  
  
"Was there anything else in the envelope?" Pippin playfully asked Timmy while he was tickling him, crazy hobbits...  
  
Timmy just laughed, oh dear... this can't be good. "There must've been something in the envelope" I thought. I closed my eyes searching through my memory until I realized that Bilbo's ring was in there too! I pushed Pippin out of the way and put myself face to face against that big greened eyed nuisance.  
  
"Timmy," I said in my very strained, but gentle voice, "Where is the ring?"  
  
"What Ring?" Merry asked  
  
"Sshh! I'll tell you later! Now Timmy where is the ring?"  
  
Timmy answered with a very watery fart. I think I got even paler than I was earlier that day.  
  
"Oh no, Please tell me that is not the answer." I said in a small voice, feeling my eyelids getting wider and wider  
  
Timmy laughed and patted his stomach and once more made a nasty sounding fart. I backed away about three feet and suddenly shouted some orders.  
  
"Merry get a bucket, a bar of soap, and a rag, this is going to be a nasty one! Pippin, bring another bucket filled with water and a long stick. Brace yourselves for one smelly ride and remember look for a golden ring!" The hobbits went off in different directions  
  
I looked at Timmy once more and I saw his face all of a sudden screw up. It was time...  
  
"Timmy, hold on to it, just hold!"  
  
And there was some grunting...  
  
"MERRY! PIPPIN! HURRY UP!!!" I shouted  
  
Merry and Pippin finally came just in time.  
  
The rest was history and thank goodness, we found the ring. I think my hands will never smell the same again.  
  
After that episode I think I fainted from the stench. Pippin woke me up to find myself in a very clean kitchen which my two friends cleaned up themselves, bless their souls. They told me I was out for hours so they just left me there to rest without knowing that fainting and not waking up again was quite dangerous. Will they ever learn... They also told me that Timmy was taking a nap in the guest room and they checked up on him everyone now and then. At least they have some sense... I put the CLEAN golden ring and the papers for Bag End in another envelop and put them away in a very secret place so no one can find it, except me of course.  
  
Then Timmy walked in, nearly in tears and said, "I haf gon pee pee!"  
  
And what do you know, he wet his bed! I gave him another pair of my hobbit breeches and cleaned up his mess. It's like keeping a dog! A dirty, ruddy, annoying, little dog!  
  
I told Merry and Pippin to take care of him while I make supper (yes it has been that long, a hobbit cannot survive that long without food, it's just not proper!). Of course as enthusiastic as they are, they whisked Timmy away before you could say 'Shire'. They were probably teaching him a prank or two, oh no, why did I ever allow them to take care of Timmy!  
  
After supper which was fine for me but whenever I looked up I saw Timmy stabbing at his mashed potatoes which created a huge mess. And of course you cannot forget the slobber, I slipped on it plenty of times to get myself a sore bottom! After I fixed up the guest room, full with new modifications, I put Timmy to sleep. Then I thought of a good excuse about the ring and what it was to Pippin and Merry so they can leave me alone. After a small hobbit snack I bided them goodbye.  
  
Here I am now writing down today's events, and let me tell you they were not pretty. They were quite smelly actually. I do hope Gandalf comes soon! He would know what to do. Maybe he'll take him away in search of Timmy's parents? I must keep my dreams to myself for now and get to sleep. If tomorrow is as eventful as today, I want to be ready for anything!  
  
Sincerely, Frodo  
  
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A/N: Well that took my forever to write because I was writing with an empty mind. I am sorry that it is not funny although the whole situation is. I am thinking of doing a series of Timmy's adventures. But that is just an idea.  
  
I know it took about seven years before Frodo left Hobbiton after Gandalf's visit about what is the one ring and the explanation for it. But how long was it between the night Gandalf left the first time (that was my chapter before this one) and the time he came again where he tells about the ring? I really really really need an answer soon.  
  
Please, give me some disasters that you have had with a toddler that I can use in this story. I still have a few up my sleeve but I need more! Here are my replies to the reviews:  
  
KarateElf: Don't we all, he he...  
  
Adamina: You have been extremely helpful! Thanks for the advice!  
  
Jo March: I was sick and tired of waiting for someone to write a good humor fic so I wrote one. I hope I get a lot of reviews too. Little nephews are horrible aren't they? This one is based one day when I had to babysit my nephew. Quite horrible really...  
  
bored2death: Yeah well, this one will definitely remind you of your babysitting days! Muahahahaha!!  
  
funny...: Yes the Blue's clues part was funny I thought, since I watched it before I wrote that chapter. Yes, I was sugar high before I wrote this chapter. When I wrote it I was all *blah*. Yes, very groggy indeed.  
  
Aradi: It's been about two years since I last read the books so I practically remember nothing. I hope I have a good sense of humor, since this is a humor fic....  
  
Imp: Thank you for putting me on you favorites list! Makes me feel so warm and fuzzy inside! I think I have granted your wish have I not, about Merry and Pippin? Thanks for the information, it was most helpful.  
  
  
  
So do you like it, hate it, love it, despise it? Tell me by reviewing! Just try to stick with constructive criticism because when you flame ME I never feel like writing (I'm bad enough already) and it will not be fair to other readers. Review please! 


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